Anonymous asked: Heyyy I hear you're planning to not be the kind of asshole who mutilates an intersex baby for your convenience! I've forgotten the right url to link you to, but did you know currently adult intersex people generally think you should assign a gender socially (but be willing to be wrong) without doing anything surgical? Skyler's still a good name but you probably want to go with "he" or "she" until Skyler can express a preference.
luminousalicorn:
I didn’t know that! Does it make a difference that there are several nonbinary people in my social circle and a Skyler (…although I’m tempted to bump Skyler to the middle name slot and use Raziel as a first name since it seems ambiguously gendered) would have people using alternating and gender-neutral pronouns available as role models?
As a non-binary trans person I feel a strong need to counter this with a plea to not socially gender children (at least intersex ones) unless/before they personally express a desire for it, if one is able to get away with it without suffering stigma, and homeschooling in the rationalist community seems to be pretty much the place one would be able to get away with it. Please please do consider the fact that those people are older and from what’s effectively a completely different culture and their suggested coping strategies might not be optimal for Raziel’s flourishing in better environments.
Latest studies suggest almost 1% of the population are trans and something like 5% have some kind of gender issues, that number seems to be just growing bigger every time, and intersex children are especially disproportionately likely to end up something else than people presumed. If being systematically scorned for doing something unusual is taken out of the picture, I’m having a really hard time imagining what would be the benefits of gendering children instead of just letting them be whatever they are and express themselves however they do. Children are not …close-minded adults, and the mythical gender confusion arising from not given a ready-made set of priors is really just mythology perpetuated by adults who feel invested in not having their conceptualizations challenged. It’s kind of pascaly in the “1% this saves your children from a lot of disutility and otherwise doesn’t do much unless the people arond you decide to punish you for it” aspect and I’m biased as a gendering survivor (my self-conceptualization was dramatically impaired for years if not decades by it but thanks to pure unfair luck it didn’t cause much lasting harm, as I was mostly able to keep my hardware in the neotenic androgyny my firmware is compatible with, even with the delay in access to modification having been raised in a binary-gendering environment caused) but I seriously think gendering children is likely to err on the side of defaulting to status quo biases and the alternatives haven’t been explored enough.
4 months ago · tagged #parenting cw #dysphoria cw · 10 notes · source: luminousalicorn · .permalink
theunitofcaring asked: the number of people who feel entitled to comment on your parenting is kind of horrifying. I'd heard that happens to pregnant people but I'm actually in a mild state of shock about how bad it is. you are handling it with extraordinary grace, but what the fuck.
ozymandias271:
ilzolende:
worldoptimization:
nuclearspaceheater:
luminousalicorn:
It’s okay, @andaisq just taught me to block anons so when I’m sick of it all will be well.
It’s weird, I didn’t really get mean anons before. Hypothesis is that I don’t usually seem vulnerable but now I’m impregnated and therefore probably hormonal and irrational and really easy to make cry, open season, whee?
It’s just the Public School Internet Defense Force, who are hired by teachers’ unions, textbook manufacturers, and “smart classroom” companies to harass home-schoolers online.
I actually get it? Like, I’m not even a parent but whenever I see someone making different parenting choices from the ones I would make I have a visceral reaction of WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE RUINED. Obviously,
1) this is irrational, parenting doesn’t actually matter that much and the children will probably be fine
2) actually expressing that reaction to the person in question is incredibly rude, mean, and unproductive.
If I heard that some future parent was planning to not vaccinate or to let their kids get lots of lead exposure or something, I’d probably be concerned.
Anons probably just feel the same way about public education?
As the child of a parenting magazine editor: the mommy wars are real and they are vicious. A lot of people feel really insecure about their own parenting and want to tear down others, and a lot of people feel like they’re ‘helping children’ by being dicks to parents whose parenting choices they don’t like.
As a secret overlord of a feminist community that fights hard to keep the mommy wars out; holy shit they are indeed. I’m proud that TOFC is actually at all able to discuss the topics instead of having to ban them altogether like the competitors, but even then the issue of people being 1. absolutely certain that theirs is the One Right Way to Raise Kids and Everyone Who Does It Differently Is Irresponsible and Evil 2. completely fed up with the previous group and consequently making the (unfortunately not that unwarranted) assumption that anyone bringing such topics up is one of them and reacting with pre-emptive hostility, is quite ubiquitous.
And yes, other people having children does bring up a strong impulse of other-optimizing because the topic is Obviously Important and Everyone Else is Doing it Wrong. In addition everyone has personal experience on being either victimized by Worst Parenting Ever or having enjoyed The Only Right Way to Do It. I even recognize the impulses in myself (there but for the grace of Elua go I…) so… yeah, pretty much nobody on the internet trusts others to raise kids properly without massive amounts of unsolicited and aggressive advice.
It makes sense in some ways because some things do indeed cause enough harm that shouting at people would be warranted if it actually did have a substantial effect at alleviating them, but people who know those things also know that the actions taken on that impulse tend to be irrational and irresponsible and not help anyone at all and simply add unnecessary stress which is demonstrably harmful to children and thus only make things worse.
People who participate in the mommy wars are hurting both their own and others’ children and must be stopped at any cost! We must shout at them endlessly until they stop doing it!
4 months ago · tagged #sorry couldn't resist #but seriously though shouting at people doesn't help #while not shouting at people does #and it's not like i'm biased against shouting at people #i've used it very effectively in many situations and this just isn't one of them #although shouting at the mommy warriors might help #haven't been able to coordinate enough shouting power to test it properly #yet #growth mindset #parenting cw · 40 notes · source: luminousalicorn · .permalink