Any recommendations for what to do when you had written a brilliant and well-sourced post on a relatively relevant topic, sparkled with snarky humor and other promethea-brand idiosyncracies, only to lose it when you fucking touchpad accidentally opens imgur? Because I’m kind of looking for some alternative to “find out what intoxicants my medicine cabinet contains and take a bit of everything” because FUCKING FUCK
I mean seriously, it had everything: a data-driven approach investigating an interesting angle on a question a lot of people get dangerously wrong all the time, the obligatory funmaking of people who say “cuck” and mean it, the phrase “hands-on experience” applied to racial stereotypes of phalloclitoris sizes and the reason why those are more relevant for some big societal issues than people would think, some more mind-in-the-gutter sardonic commentary on human nature, actual sources for actual claims, and it was answering an anonymous ask. (Whoever sent it: I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait because I’m not trying it again today because FUCK ALL THIS SHIT)
“sorry about the mathematical sexytimes” (definitely the time my girlfriend tried to give me some math lessons and it ended in sexy times and no learning) and “shameless punkrock femslash” (do i have to say more?)
“sorry about the mathemathical sexytimes” ok that’s it i don’t even need to click anymore
stop kinkshaming me (alternatively: whoops you guessed my Evil Plan)
your daily dose of dream OC’s
okay seriously, is it weird to feel sorry for my sm0l borderer (yes, my brain was considering Albion’s Seed stuff in the dream) girlfriend I was bringing to the big world to save from her background of no opportunities and future prospects, only to promptly forget about her in a party when an acquiantance turned out to be a half-Veela and confirmed the hypothesis that those powers work on enbians as well, and I think a friend of Chelsea Manning was also present and then when I woke up I was totally like “oh no I forgot the sm0lfriend”
malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite
@lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo.
…sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.”
Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts?
oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want?
It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._.
I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out.
So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here.
Oh my god guys it’s poisonous
It is super poisonous
There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more
Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock
Try this one instead.
malachite literally explodes in water does it not?
I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium?
Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker
This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock
I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on being you.
I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock.
I’m looking into it.
UPDATE:
Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?”
The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.”
Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post
This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions
*biologist crashes through the underbrush*
Ok so here’s the thing though
Malachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days.
Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE.
• Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later.
• When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture).
So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++.
• Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster.
• In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite.
• I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is.
• Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment.
• Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble.
• Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety.
• So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria.
That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium.
• Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely
unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides,
and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper
concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.”
In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina.
• Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes.
^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*.
• Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper.
• The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt.
• This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out.
• Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving.
• Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes.
• Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve.
• Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation.
• Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this
• Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material
• Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend
Epic, scientific, a visit by Buzzfeed, this post has it all.
On the subject of it getting weird: I’ve had the “corporations are Cthulhu” and “I want to have sex with Cthulhu” thoughts before, but this is the first time they’ve converged.
subway? more like sub-way amritiere
The bitter truth is that Subway is actually a dom, but no one ever believes them.
And now we all feel bad for laughing at that joke.
Well, Nike is based in Portland, so at least it’s probably into some freaky shit.
Have we really gone this whole thread without a “footlong” joke?
This proves that corporations are people. The feeling I get when I imagine owning pretty corporations and doing terrible, perverted things to them (or punishing wicked naughty corporations which tends to be most of them) is identical to the feeling I get when I imagine doing terrible, perverted things to pretty people. Then again this may be proving too much because I also get the exact same feeling when I imagine doing terrible, perverted things to code (such as redefining Ruby to basically implement Lisp because fuck you that’s why); I may just be into doing terrible, perverted things to anything pretty.
The gram of our cuck-measuring system is the cuck proper: a small-penised unmanly white man’s white wife has casual sex with a manly large-penised man of a race white nationalists are insecure about, she gets pregnant and he raises the child, and he gets off on it because it is humiliating. This will be rated “1″.
Things that participate to a degree in the Form of Cuck may now be ranked. For instance, using a sperm donor is about 0.2 cucks; supporting open borders is about 0.6 cucks (points have been subtracted for it being metaphorical). One may easily deduce which man is cucking which man, by carefully assessing which one’s cuck score is higher. Thus, we have settled such thorny issues as “if I’m poly but my husband’s dick is bigger than my boyfriend’s, who am I cucking?” (The husband, unless the boyfriend has spent at least $100 per extra inch on you.)
In rare cases, one may have over one cuck: for instance, if one has sex with the local cult leader one’s husband dislikes and then hangs around in a shirt saying “Harem Member of the Rightful Caliph” in order to annoy him, that would be at least two cucks. However, these extreme circumstances should be left to the experienced cuckologist, because of the danger they may pose to the unwary.
This is good, but I feel like habitual cucking should get more points than a single instance of casual sex.
Okay but a few important questions about cuckness levels that I can’t find the answer for anywhere:
If a trans woman has sex with a neoreactionary’s wife, is it less cuck (because women don’t count) or more cuck (because neoreactionaries see trans women as failed men and thus especially humiliating to be surpassed by)? How does the state and proportion of her genitals factor into this?
All in all, what is the relationship of penis size and cuckness? Does it invert in “non-legitimate” situations; is it extra cuck for a manly big-dicked guy to still fail to keep his wife monogamous, and supercuck if the guy cucking the husband has a micropenis?
If there is an inversion where the big-dicked husband is cucking the poly boyfriend, but the micropenised paramour is cucking the husband, can we construct a situation of exactly zero cucks for any given combination by manipulating the degree of legitimacy of the relationships?
How about gender and cuck? Is this strictly binhet only or is the model able to deal with bis and enbies? Is there an inflection point where enbies stop being counted as members of the gender everyone misgenders them as or is it roughly linear all the way? Or are there “uncanny valleys” of enbie cuck that are especially un/cuck; what kind of a fuction should we use to fit the graph? How is cuck counted for lesbians or gay men?
Is ability to theoretically/actually get pregnant/sire a spawn how significant? If a trans woman and a trans man have a genetic child together, how does the cuckulus work?
How do political views factor into cuck? In the standard measurement reference, what are the assumed opinions of the participants? Is supporting open borders still cuck if one is of a race white nationalists are insecure about? Can we get a thorough ordering of nationalities in order of cuckness; I know Sweden is first but which one comes next (for the sake of simplicity let’s just assume a median or mean representative of the populations)? How about ethnicities and religions? Is a white muslim convert more or less cucky than a syriac christian?
